I’m 26 years old and a married woman. My husband hates my flat chest. What is the permanent solution?
07.06.2025 05:55
Lastly, your spouse may just be immature or lack emotional intelligence. I would imagine this would have presented itself before you got married, so him saying something so egregious as “hating” your flat chest would come as no surprise, now. The answer to this one is pretty complicated, as you are now in a relationship with a supremely flawed individual.
After June died last year, my wife finally shared that story with me as she felt it was not appropriate to tell me without her permission while she was alive. It was clear to me even before my wife told me what had happened that whatever had been done or said was very impactful because of the way she cried that night before ever telling my wife what happened. These people were married for over 50 years and by all accounts they had a good marriage (that was one my wife and I admired and tried to emulate some of it in our own marriage). ONE small, offhand criticism stayed with June during their entire marriage and impacted their sex life, the way she viewed her own body (which she had been happy with before that comment) and no telling what other problems it initiated. I loved her husband and never heard him say anything vulgar or unkind, but he made a STUPID, immature and needless criticism of his new wife that stayed with her always.
After they’d been married for a few more years, June had been dieting and exercising and asked him one night what he thought of her thighs now, and he told her she was beautiful. It took a couple more years before she finally confronted him with his comment about her thighs. He was shocked and immediately apologized for saying it, although he said in earnest that he didn’t remember ever saying anything like that. June assured him that he did and told him how much it hurt her and had affected her to that very day. June told my wife that he tried to make up for it after she confronted him, constantly complimenting her body and showing desire for her even in their older years.
Let me share a story about how damaging and lasting an insult from a spouse can be about one’s body. I have a friend (I’ll call her June) that shared a story with my wife one day that I think illustrates my point. We were having a Christmas party that June was invited to a few years ago, which was about three years after her husband had passed away from cancer. It was later in the evening, when we all had been drinking a bit and another person brought up an insult a co-worker had said to them. A bit later, when my wife and I were talking to June alone, she brought up the story the person had told about the co-worker insult and she said, “People just don’t realize the power that words can have, especially from someone you like or love”. She started to tear up after she said that and we both comforted her and asked if someone had said something unkind to her. She wiped away her tears and said she felt silly feeling so emotional after “all this time”. We encouraged her to tell us what was bothering her, but she said he didn’t want to speak ill of her deceased husband. Of course we both were very interested, because June and her husband are quite a bit older than we are and had always been kind of “marriage mentors” to us. We didn’t try to pry and the evening went on fine.
Do her boobs look as great as they did before she had two children and nursed both of our boys? No, they sag a bit and have lost their perkiness in her pre-maternity days. But, when I look at her body I think about how she would wake up in the middle of the night and nurse both of our sons and how beautiful that was. The images I have in my mind of my wife nursing our boys are precious to me and I’m proud of her and how she sacrificed her perky body to give us two amazing sons that we both love dearly. We both work out a few days a week and have kept our bodies as lean and healthy as we can, not just so we can look good for each other, but also so we can live as long as possible so we can grow old together and enjoy grandkids and so forth.
My suggestion would be to sit him down an ask him why he would say something so cruel and destructive to the person he has pledged to love and support for the rest of his life. Because, saying something like that to your spouse is just horrifying and absolutely unjustified whatever the reason. If he is angry at you for something else you have done, there is still no justification for such an ugly and destructive insult to your physical body. Insults like that don’t just go away; that attack on your body will live in your mind and heart forever, even if he somehow suddenly understood completely the damage such an insult caused and did everything in his power to apologize and heal such a vicious assault on your body… on you.
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It could be an immature way for him to signal he wants you to get a breast augmentation. Maybe he feels it would be distasteful to suggest you get a boob job, so he makes you feel inadequate in that regard so the idea to do something like that comes from you, and not from him. Perhaps you have indicated your disdain for women who feel the need to get a boob job, so he doesn’t feel free to ask this of you, so instead he insults your small chest to motivate you to seek augmentation so he isn’t seen as pushing such a distasteful agenda. Reject this nonsense with every fiber of your being. NO WOMAN should EVER surgically alter their body to please a partner or spouse. If a partner or spouse suggests surgery or augmentation of your body they have serious issues and need therapy. NEVER give into this kind of gaslighting abuse. If your spouse has a problem with your flat chest that is HIS problem, not yours! Plenty of guys in the world love small breasted women. Many websites are dedicated to small breasted (or even totally flat) women, so don’t feel inadequate. The “inadequacy” is in the brain and psyche of your spouse, and has nothing to do with you.
When June told my wife this story, she started sobbing and it escalated into crying out loud. June was NOT a person to make a scene in public, but it was clear to my wife that she couldn’t help herself. My wife moved to the chair beside her and comforted her, but June continued crying for another minute or so. After she composed herself she apologized to my wife and their waiter for making a scene, which shows the kind of person she was - very respectful of others and her actions around them. My wife assured her that she need not apologize and told her she was glad that June felt comfortable to share that with her. June told her, “I loved my husband deeply and I also respected him a great deal, but after he said that a little bit of the love and admiration I had for him died inside me”. She said, “I went on diet after diet for the remainder of our marriage to try to make my body into one that would please him”.
Anyway, once again I’ve rambled far too long but I’m going to leave it in case one person in this world decides to read it and it results in them being more careful about how they speak to their spouse. NEVER, EVER insult your spouse’s body. NEVER! If they become unhealthily overweight, then find a kind way to encourage them to eat more healthy. Invite them to the gym with you, or on walks or hikes together. However, if there is something about your spouse’s body that they cannot (and should not change) like the size of their breasts or their bottom or anything like that don’t EVER say anything unkind about that. Learn to love all of their body and if you don’t, ask God (or whatever power outside yourself you believe in) to change your heart, because the fact that your wife might have small breasts and you don’t like that is NOT her problem… it’s YOURS!
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That little comment hurt their marriage and stayed with her pretty much forever. Even after he’d apologized and tried to make up for his stupid comment, which she appreciated and accepted his apology. However, the memory of it remained and just could not be driven from her mind (even though she told my wife she desperately wanted to forget he had said that). I learned a REAL lesson from that and I have never said anything unkind about my wife’s body, including even teasing… I just refrain from any of that. Now, if my wife asks me how she looks in some outfit, if she doesn’t look good in it and she’s really asking for my honest opinion, I might just say, “You have other outfits that make you look prettier”, that is as close as I’ll come to saying anything untoward about her body or how she looks. Now, if she became obese, or developed some eating disorder, I would definitely say something in love because I want her to live a long time and be healthy. However, I would NEVER say anything unkind about her breasts or anything like that.
A few weeks later my wife went to lunch with her and June apologized for getting emotional the night of the party. My wife told her that was unnecessary as we both care a great deal for her and she needn’t apologize for opening up to us like that. June suggested they have some wine, which was very unusual for her as she rarely drank, but my wife agreed and they ordered a bottle. After a couple glasses of wine, June suddenly told my wife why she had been so emotional that night. You need to know that June was a virgin when she married her husband (because it was a different time when she got married and she, and her husband, are deeply devout Christians). On their wedding night she was quite nervous, but excited to finally be able to be intimate with the man she loved (and June really loved her husband till the day he died). Her husband got undressed and then asked his wife to undress in front of him. June was nervous to do that, but she wanted to please her husband so she undressed and tried to do it in a way that was sensual (which was very new to her, so you can imagine she might not have been really great at it, but I [and my wife] thought it was so sweet that she tried to do that for her new husband). After she undressed, they made love and she said it was physically painful for her (because she was a virgin) but that she found the experience wonderful.
I hope your husband hears you and apologizes for his hurtful remarks. DO NOT change your body! No woman should EVER do surgery on their body to please a spouse. If it’s something you want to do for yourself, and you’re not motivated (in any way) because of your partner or spouse’s criticisms, then that is your choice. It’s your body and your choice. Personally, I don’t think any woman should ever let their body be cut up or have foreign objects shoved inside to look “prettier”, but that’s just my opinion. I believe you should learn to love the body you have and don’t let anyone influence you to physically alter your body. As long as you are relatively healthy, and the state of your body isn’t damaging your health (like morbid obesity) then you are beautiful the way you are and should hold out for someone who sees you for the beautiful person you are.
The next day, while they were walking on the beach, June asked her husband what he thought of her attempt at sensually undressing for him. He praised her for that and thanked her for doing it, knowing it was probably hard for her as it was the very first time she had ever been naked with a man. As they were walking he said something, and for the life of me I cannot understand why he said this, because I knew him and I always thought he was a kind and considerate person. Anyway, June asked if he was pleased with her body and he complimented her for quite some time. A little later, as they were still walking on the beach, he said (in an offhand way), “The only thing is, I thought your thighs would be thinner”.
How do you know he “hates” your flat chest? Has he said that? We kind of need a bit more information to answer with any integrity. If you husband has actually said he “hates” your flat chest, then there is something very, very wrong with him. All of us, as humans, know innately how powerful and hurtful words are that criticize our bodies, *especially* by our spouses. Your husband, unless he is a sociopath, understands acutely how painful and devastating it would be to say he “hates” your small breasts. So, as I said, unless he is a sociopath, there are only a few other reasons (I can think of) that he may have said such a profoundly hurtful thing. Here are some of the options:
He may be having an emotional or actual affair. It is fairly common for men who are having some kind of extramarital affair to gaslight or criticize their spouse to justify their infidelity. For many cheaters, they feel the need to find some reason for their adultery, so they vilify their spouse to calm their guilt and achieve cognitive dissonance. By criticizing your body he feels justified in seeking out a partner that has bigger breasts (or whatever). This dovetails into another reason why cheaters do this, and that is because when they start giving all their emotional and/or physical intimacy to another partner, they typically lose all desire for their primary partner. A partner suddenly losing all interest in sex for their spouse is often a good indicator that there is some kind of affair going on. This isn’t always the case, as sometimes it is caused by a person’s mental state - for example, a man who loses his job and his unable to find another, he may feel inadequate and maybe depressed which leads him to lose interest in sex (in general, not just you). It’s not uncommon for men who find themselves feeling inadequate or impotent to reach out emotionally or physically to other people to regain some kind of self worth through the adoration of the extramarital partner.
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Lastly, please ignore any advice you read here about insulting your spouse as a remedy. That is just BAD advice. It won’t fix the problem and instead it will create enmity between you and become a contest as to who can say the most hurtful thing. Anyone who thinks this is a good idea needs to watch Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolfe and see what the result of that kind of thinking is. It’s poisonous and destructive and wont lead to any positive change. Instead, sit your spouse down and tell them how hurtful their comments are and how it is leading to you losing respect for them and damaging the loving, trustful relationship you have. Let them know how painful and hurtful their comments are. If they ignore that and keep on being hurtful, then widen the circle. Healthy people have relationships of accountability that keep them on the right path and avoiding damaging behavior. If my wife tries to tell me I’m doing something that is wrong and could lead to bad consequences and I don’t listen, she asks me to bring up the matter with one of my accountability partners (my friends). Most of the time, that does the trick. When I ask one of my friends if my behavior is out of line, they let me know because I’ve given them the freedom to tell me the truth, even if it hurts me.
Before I met my wife I preferred women with larger breasts… I’m a guy, after all. LOL. However, when I met my wife and fell in love with her, my preferences also changed. In other words, the body that my wife had became the kind of body I desired. This wasn’t something I did consciously, it just happened. I’ve talked about this with some of my married, guy friends and a few said they had the same kind of thing happen to them. If you really love your spouse, you tend to love all of them. Now, sure, there are things that bug me, just like there are things I do that bug my wife. She isn’t perfect and I d**n sure ain’t perfect. We try to change the things we can out of respect, for example I used to throw all my dirty clothes on the floor when I was single. I stopped doing that soon after I got married, because I knew how upsetting it was to my wife. Nowadays, it bugs me if there are dirty clothes on the floor. When you change a behavior and maintain that change, it tends to become a habit and if it’s a good habit it will actually change how you perceive that habit.
He feels inadequate in some way he may have not told you about, or perhaps you have (maybe unknowingly) made him feel inadequate. He may think his penis is too small, and you may not be thinking that at all, but in his mind it is. If this is the case, he may have said that hurtful thing to you to make you feel inadequate in a similar way that he does. In other words, he feels like he is unable to satisfy you because of this so he insults you to feel there is some kind of psychic equalization now and is less disturbed about his own perceived inadequacy. Petty people who don’t know how to find strength and confidence from within will often cut others down to make themselves feel better, even if you’ve never said or done anything to hurt them. You see this kind of behavior everyday online. People will say ugly or unkind things when someone puts a picture up of themselves just because they feel inadequate or unattractive in comparison. If your spouse is like this, they need therapy and soon.
If your husband doesn’t have friends like this, then ask him to go to counseling with you and bring up your hurts there. If he won’t go to counseling, and the hurtful behavior continues, you may have to consider a separation. No spouse should ever remain in a relationship where abuse is occurring, and hurtful, hateful comments about your body constitutes abuse in my book. You should remove yourself and your children from any spouse that is abusing you or them. Period. In fact, if you have children, it is your responsibility to remove them from an abusive spouse.
You said something hurtful (or at least he considered it hurtful) about his body, or his character, or something like that. It may even have been something he considered hurtful about his family or friends. Immature or psychologically damaged people are sometimes inclined to insult someone as a way to “pay back” something they feel you’ve done to hurt them. If that is the reason, he is an immature and damaged individual. If you truly said something hurtful, then apologize for that, but no spouse should ever say anything hurtful as “payback” for something you’ve said or done. That is a recipe for disaster.